I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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