dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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