I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
