I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Randomize
