The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
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She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
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