im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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