filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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