I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
