dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I didn't shave. On purpose
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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