Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
