i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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