She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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