Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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