No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
