My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
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My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
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they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I need to align my fucking chakras
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.