I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT