I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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