I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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