Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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