Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
