I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
