Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
