May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
