mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
