I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
