I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
