I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
