I hate your face
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
