Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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