I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
