Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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