So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
