Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize