Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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