I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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