sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I love you. Go after that dick
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
