He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
