i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
