The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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