Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
