you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
