I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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