She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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