FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
