she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
