ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
