i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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