i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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