There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Church boner. Awkwardddd
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
