Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
