peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
