I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
