And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
