My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
