Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Randomize
