She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
